【1級エッセイ練習】Robots 

今週も、日本人先生にSkypeでエッセイ添削をしてもらいました。今回は英作文問題から、今興味のあるRobotの話題。

日本人の先生方がよく使われるフレーズに「意味は通るけど、何だか気持ち悪い」とか「耳にしっくりこないんだよなぁ」というつぶやき・・・すごいな、といつも思ってしまいます。

それだけコーパスが脳内で出来上がっていて、留学経験なしで、そこに行きつくインプット量で相当ですよね><



Agree or Disagree: Future generations will become more dependent on robots.


POINTS Efficiency / Costs / Artificial intelligence / Labor shortage / Employment / Aging society

The advertadvent of robots has given influence on our society dramatically. I believe that our dependence on robots will be increasing more in the future. Here are three reasons why I insist so.

         First, some countries have faced been facing problems 具体的に!例は一つ挙げよう!caused by aging society. (As more aged people retired in today’s society, )with more people retiring and the birth rate decreasing,Actually governments would struggle to ensure enough workforce to sustain their economy. against lack of younger workforce too. However, with robots, this issue would be resolved easily because robots are strong and tough enough to tackle on heavy workload instead of humans. Additionally they can work for 24/ 7 as long as their battery lasts.

         Second, robots are cost-effective also effective for cost-saving. As an actual example, some hotel in Japan set humanoid robots as counter clerks, which led to not only reduction of labor costs but also increase of amusement for kids.名詞 動詞になっているのでwhich not only led to  redcution of cost but also made the hotel more attractive to children. Of course, they don’t have to pay extra allowance for night shifts to the robots. The hotel owner has already decided to expand this robot project to branch hotels in overseas.  ここまでグダグダやらない。会話調になってしまう。しまらない。This could be a good evidence evidenceは冠詞はつかないし、複数にもならない! that robot can bring us more benefits, both economically and mentally.

         Lastly, artificial intelligence is being developed rapidly nowadays. Consequently we can promote our trust on robots more.一概には言えないけど・・・ま、いい。Especially under the situation of disasters like radiation contamination, we can depend on robots’ intelligence absolutely.会話調。 For instance, they can search their way even in a dangerous and black-out space with their embedded program and a remote control by human. The datedata the robots (collected with the A.I ) must be (useful) the strongest deterrence for next disaster. 明らかにおかしい!deterrence to  criminals やto nuclear proliferationなら良いけど・・・。  

the data the robots collected are indispensable for preventing future disasters

       For these reasons, I believe that the existence of くどいrobots will be indispensable factor of for future society. Or I should say that they have already been integrated incorporated into our lives without our consciousness today. Anyway, In fact, it is true that robots are not our enemies. They could be our best friends.  


【清書】Aging

清書
TOPIC: Will societies with aging populations face a crisis in the future?

POINTS:
• Birthrate
• Family responsibility
• Health care
• Immigration
• Role of senior citizens
• Taxes



      Today aging society has given a lot of impacts on our lives. I have to say that some of them are negative influences and we face the critical conditions.I’d like to mention three reasons why I think so in this essay.

     First of all, our society shifts from extended family to nuclear one. Actually many elderly people are isolated [ alienated ] from their families and tend to live alone.As a result, an increasing number of old people end up dyging alone without proper care of medication and enough attention from their families, which is becoming familiar topics in the media today.

    Second,along with aging society,futuer generations will face a problem associated with low birthrates
,which causes lack of younger workforce. Consequently the government will be struggle to ensure
tax revenuesto support these retiring people. Additionally company will have difficulty finding new employees
(proficient/capable workers) to be competitive in the global economy.

    Especially, with the surging number of the elderly,medical expeses for the old will be increasing
too,which the government will be required to allocate more budget to welfare.There will be also
fewer doctors who give proper treatment to the elderly.It’s obvious that we are not ready to
support the old’s welfare financially and environmentally. 

   In conclusion, government should take rapid measures to hamper a future crisis for both old
and young generations. These problems are never the ones of remote future. Therefore it also
must bevimportant for each individual to (treat) consider aging as our their own actual
problems. Don’t you think so?             

【エッセイ】Aging Society

私のSkype英会話の先生は、日本人の先生です

仕事から帰って23:30から週に2回ほどお願いしています。

エッセイでいつも言われるのは、私の今の力から考えると、現段階では15点以上とれればいいよ、ということなので、欲張らずに最低限の文法やつづりミスをチェックしていただいています。

今週は、過去問から、王道のaging問題を選びました。


TOPIC: Will societies with aging populations face a crisis in the future?

POINTS:

• Birthrate

• Family responsibility

• Health care

• Immigration

• Role of senior citizens

• Taxes


20分で書いたものを自主校正して送って、これはダメだろう!というところを突っ込んでいただくスタイルです。


Today aging society has given a lot of impacts on our society lives. I have to say that some of them are negative influences and they must lead to social crisis in the future.

crisis は弱い。

we face the critical conditions.

I’d like to mention three reasons why I think so in this essay.


First of all, (speaking of elderly people’s problems, )an increasing number of old people end up dyging alone without proper care of medication, enough attention from their families →dying alone is more common topic in news nowadays. This happens due to insufficient family responsibility. Actually our society shifts from extended family to the nuclear families one. As the a result, more seniors get less attention from the public and this could accelerate their isolation from the outside world.


many elderly people are isolated [ alienated ] from their families and tend to live alone.

first, many elderly people die alone without families around them , which is becoming familiar topics in the media today

As a result, an increasing number of old people end up dyging alone without proper care



Second, aging society also faces serious problems of low birthrate, which causes lack of younger workforce. Worker shortages might cast a shadow on our national strength, because, under this situation, we would also suffer from drought of tax revenue simultaneously.

全体として短いパラグラフになってしまっている。スムーズに流れておらず、ぶちぶち切れている印象。


along with aging society,futuer generations will face a problem associated with low birth rates

Although more and more people are retiring,

there are not enough young workers to replace the existing workforce

(As aging society advances)



Consequently the government will be struggle to ensure tax revenues to support these retiring people



company will have difficulty finding new employees (proficient/capable workers) to be competitive in the global economy


Especially, with the surging number of the elderly, we have to prospect expect

It is estimated that

larger budget for their health care fee. How can we compensate this huge cost with lower tax revenue? Should we still impose this big burden on younger generations? Additionally we also have another problem of lack of doctors in some countries too. It’s obvious that we are not ready to support the old’s welfare financially and environmentally.

doctorのくだりは明らかに変!


medical expeses for elderly people will be increasing

(More elderly people start to depend on medical insurance)

, which the government will be required to allocate more budget to welfare.

There will be fewer doctors.....

(The number of doctor is decreasing)

which give proper treatment to the elderly




In conclusion, government should take rapid measures to hamper a future crisis for both old and young generations. These problems are never the ones of remote future. Therefore it also must be important for each individual to (treat) consider aging as our their own factual actual problems. Don’t you think so?